Recently we noticed a worrying trend: BMXers, skaters and rollerbladers up and down the country have been leafing through their favorite magazines, cutting out their favorite athletes, and then replacing the original head/face with their own head before sticking the posters on the wall. Although this creates no immediate harm (and if your favorite athletes appear in porn mags rather than skate mags it can even be funny), we discovered a sinister twist after looking closely at photos in recent publications: We found that in the majority of cases the head had already been changed.
We now feel that the time has come to tell the truth: All of the worlds top BMXers are in fact transvestite and can only 'perform' in full drag. The heads are correct, but the bodies are from miniature Brazilian slave girls, forced from the age of three to learn stunts at Matt Hoffman's secret slave skatepark. (He charges only $1 a week for their services.)
Professional skaters, on the other hand, are all raging homosexuals who lose their ninja-like powers when their ridiculous bushy moustaches and leather hats are removed. In this case, the bodies are real but the faces are all performed by Phil Cool and Rolf Harris. The situation with rollerbladers is much simpler: They are merely trying to hide their identity for fear of attack from Satan's hellhounds. (It seems even our dark lord cannot stand the little fuckers.)