Happy Holidays, Idiot!

or "You ain't just whistlin' Dixie!"

I wasn't planning on writing a Scrooge- influenced column, but it just came out of me; luckily it's late in the season...

You know what bugs me most about the holidays? Idiots. Actually, idiots bug me all throughout the year, but the holiday shopping season seems to bring them out in droves. Not just the idiots in their cars who drive 50 mph in the high speed lane or go for miles with their left blinker on. If you want a good sampling, just keep a good ear open while at a mall.

I was behind two kids on the escalator at the mall in North Attleboro. They were dressed in the uniform that kids are issued these days: baseball caps (one on backward, the other white with the bill bent into an inverted "U"), baggy clothes, chainwallets, and Airwalks. One says to the other "Man, the car on 'The Dukes of Hazzard' is awesome!" His friend comes back with "I know" and proceeds to hum a few bars of the "Bonanza" theme. I wasn't sure whether to be appaled at the first kid's idea of fine automobiles, or the second kid who doesn't know the General Lee's horn plays "Dixie."

All I know is next year I'm gonna be ordering more gifts from catalogs.

Uploaded December 1996