Why Fruitbooters Suck

Let's talk about fruitbooters for a minute, shall we? First of all, let's give credit for use of the word "fruitbooter". I first saw the term in one of Roni's stories in Ride, but the actual credit needs to go to Troy McMurray. Why "fruitbooter"? Because I absolutely refuse to call 'em "aggresive inline skaters".

Here's what I have to say about 'em: they suck. And unless you've got moon boots with wheels strapped to your feet, you're probably with me. These inliners demand respect from skateboarders and freestylers alike, but get none; respect has to be earned. (See the "Rollerbladers suck" sign at Maximus skatepark in Cambridge for proof.) Riding used to be looked down on by skaters for years; now four wheels and two wheels can co-exist peacefully (for the most part). If there's one good thing fruitbooting has done, it's united skaters and bikers...against them.

So why do I dislike rollerblading so much? Here's a list:

1. It's a fad
Admit it: it's the hot, popular thing to do. Fads explode and are blown out of proportion, and often look stupid. (Remember freestyling in 1986?) And, like most fads, they're annoying. Do what you want and have fun, but I can't help thinking that most people's rollerblades will end up in the back of their closets when it's not cool to use them anymore.

2. Dumb media
I looked at an inline skating magazine once — talk about crap. Half the magazine was how-to's — and the pictures made skaters look like such dorks. (I wish I bought the magazine just to reprint some of them here.) Anyone who has bad stuff to say about BMX Plus should check out some "aggressive" inline mags. And if that's wasn't lame enough, how about a CD I saw: Crunch Blade Jam, a CD of crappy dance music you can inline to! Hook me up!

3. Bellbottoms
The 70's comeback attempt failed (from what I see), yet fruitbooters insist on wearing bellbottoms. Well, not insist — they have to in order to accomodate the Neil Armstrong wheeled shoes they wear. Trying to look like skaters, they wear baggy jeans (with the required chainwallet, of course). But where skaters can just jump on their boards, fruitbooters have to cut up the bottom of their pants to fit over their boots, giving the bellbottom effect that are sure to drive the ladies wild...but probably not. If you want to be extra-dorky, cut big-ass holes in your jeans so your knee pads show through!

4. It ain't skating
No matter how they may try, or how extreme ESPN tells us they are, rollerbladers aren't skaters. They try to do the same things — jumps, airs, grinds — but nothing done in boots looks cooler than a similar trick done on a board (especially grinds!), even when the fruitbooter resorts to...

5. Boot-grabbing
This is my biggest complaint, and I'd really like an answer to this one: Why do rollerbladers always grab their feet when doing a jump or grind?! My only guess is that they wish they were skaters — who, of course, grab their board to keep it from flying away (unless you're Tony Hawk, in which case the board NEVER leaves your feet). But has there been even ONE documented case of one inliner losing a boot in mid-air and getting maimed landing with only a single boot, thus causing the rest of the inline world to grab their boots when they're off the ground for safety's sake? Almost every picture I see of a rollerblader in the air has him holding his boot; I want to rip his arms off just so he won't do it!

Are you a fruitbooter who thinks I'm full of shit? I want to hear from you! Email me at fruitbooter@biteme.com.

Uploaded July 1997